Ok, if you don’t get my headline, it’s a pun from the song “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot! HEHE
So, the constant theme of this blog has been my journey through my recovery from an anorexia. One of my posts talks about how I try to treat myself once I accomplish something such a running longer distances with a cupcake, frozen yogurt, something that I wouldn’t have even touched a few years ago! Which is WONDERFUL! However, I would ONLY eat this treats because I expended an abundance of calories. There is still a sort of obsession/disordered eating behavior going with that… I was cognitive of that, but was still not ready to move beyond my comfort zone of eating sweets simply because I wanted some! Now, I KNOW the obesity rates in the U.S. are enormous (no pun intended) and that a many Americans eat sweets in excess. But, not EVERYONE abuses sugars and sweets and they can be good for you!
That is not my point – the point of this post is that I have FINALLY moved beyond my comfort zone of eating sweets on special occasions. CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!! YUM!! I’ve always LOVED this CHOCOLATE!! But, for MANY years I’ve actually lied to people who offer me this delicious food or when it’s someone’s Birthday and I don’t consume any cake, cookies, etc. I lie and tell them I don’t LIKE these foods.
My lie of LOVING chocolate was due to be OBSESSION with “healthy” foods. As I mentioned in my poem post The Beautiful Image in the Mirror, I had Orthorexia – literally meaning the fixation on “righteous” eating. I didn’t want to seem weak, to love a food that was “bad” for you. I’ve learned that there are no such thing as BAD FOODS! ALL foods have calories, and with moderation all foods can be healthy! Chocolate has had a bad rep over the years. Cocoa is actually pretty darn good for you! It has healthy antioxidants and chemicals that have been shown to fight cancer, heart disease and aging, researchers say. But, even like carrots (since you don’t want your skin to turn orange) you should eat everything in MODERATION.
I have found the joy of BAKING. I LOVE baking cookies! Yes, they are a bit of a healthier version – I use whole wheat flour, coconut sugar, stevia sugar, egg whites, skim milk, and no butter, BUT I still use CHOCOLATE CHIPSSSSSSSSSSSS! NOM! I’ll bake these just because I feel like it! And you want to know what? I’LL EAT ONE (or two, or three…)!! And you want to know what’s even better, I DON’T FEEL GUILTY!! Oh, what an amazing feeling to eat something I’ve hidden my love for for so long, enjoy it, and not feel a tad bit of guilt afterwards!
Want to know what else I consumed without an inch of guilt?! CAKE!! My boyfriend, Blake, baked me what was supposed to be a RED velvet cake. He accidentally used purple food coloring instead of red. But, it’s OK, purple is one of my favorite colors! I had a piece of that cake on my Birthday! And then the next day, I had ANOTHER, and then the day after that guess what? I HAD ANOTHER!
Between my anorexia with restricting myself of calories to my years with orthorexia of restricting myself of taste and proper nourishment, this is a pivoting moment in my life. It not only proves that I can finally say I have conquered my eating disorders, but that I am a survivor! Cue Destiny’s Child’s Survivor!
No longer will I deprive myself of a chocolate chip cookie, or two, because of my PAST disorders! I’m a survivor and I’m proud to have overcome such a long, torturous battle.