I’m Not THERE Yet, But I’m on My Way!

Thanksgiving. A holiday where families get together around the table, eat, talk, laugh, gossip, and enjoy each other’s company. Holidays like this one with the main focus on food have obviously been a bit of struggle for me over the past 13 years… Eating at such random times and having a plethora of choices would usually give me quite a bit of anxiety. As part of my OCD I was also obsessed with the timing of my meals. So, eating at 2:00 pm as opposed to noon or 4 pm put my mind in a fluster, not to mention all the food choices and the calories, ohhhhhhhhhhh the calories… 

These past couple years I feel as though I’ve improved on these obsessions. Last year I had my FIRST piece of pumpkin pie in YEARS! What most people don’t understand is that eating an item of food is not as easy as it is for most people, especially sweets. I can’t recall my exact thought process while eating that first piece of pie, but I know it went something like this…

“I wonder how many calories are in this? I wonder how big of piece I should eat of this pie? Ahhh, this tastes so good, but do I really deserve it? Oh, god, I’m going to get so fat… No, one piece won’t make you fat, Colleen! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

This type of conversation would happen in my head on a regular basis. Now, I’ve learned to block most of it out. But, sweets such as pie and cupcakes are still a struggle. For example, I just had my SECOND piece of pumpkin pie tonight as a snack, the thought process it took in order to head into the kitchen and cut a slice for me would seem crazy to most people… I’m not even sure how long I debated with myself that I wanted a slice. Oh, I knew I wanted  it, I wanted it bad… But, it was a matter of whether my brain would allow me to want it.

I have become quite the adventuress over the past year though! I had a Ruby Tuesday’s cupcake on the Birthday and on other occasions, cheese cake Blake’s mom made for his Birthday after my marathon, and hazelnut cocoa spread! WOOO!  🙂

This Thanksgiving I also I had mini-breakdown… We always go over to my dad’s side of the family in the early afternoon. My Aunt Kelly took over the cooking this year and as she was making the mashed potatoes (YAY for the REAL stuff and not the flakes!) I saw that she was using whole milk. To most it’s no big deal, but for some reason it bothered me… I felt it was “too fattening…” I really didn’t mean to make a big deal out of it, but I made a comment about the milk and I think it came out pretty rude… My aunt responded by saying there’s only a little bit. Our Grandma’s neighbor even volunteered to go over and grab her 2% milk. But, I couldn’t talk, something took over me… I could feel it coming… The tears began to build up… Breakdown… I walked out of the kitchen, grabbed my sister’s shoes instead of my own, went outside and just sobbed, not 100% as to why. I probably looked like a little brat leaving that kitchen, all over MILK. But, I didn’t want to make a scene in the middle of the kitchen. I don’t think it was just the milk  tough… As I said Thanksgiving is still a struggle for me, food is still a struggle for me. I think the fact that I wasn’t in control of what I was about to consume and that something so simple bothered me really just pointed out the obvious to me; I am not FULLY recovered. I knew this, but the way that darn milk affected me just proved it even more.

I also thought back to the the years that I’ve put my family through hell and back with me. The fights, tears, constant counseling visits, and always worrying about what Colleen would and would not eat… I was embarrassed walking back into that kitchen, eyes all puffy and red… My Aunt apologized and we hugged. It was not her fault, she really did nothing wrong – I have a feeling that breakdown was just bound to happen… Everything was fine afterwards, I ate turkey, my aunt’s mashed potatoes, veggies, and even a little bit of stuffing. Then we played some games and had fun. 🙂

Tomorrow is round two! I will be having Thanksgiving with my mom’s side at my Uncle Chuck and Aunt Theresa’s house. I hope I got all of that breakdown out of my system! 😉

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