Perfection. It’s what I’ve been striving for the past 24 years of my life. But, through MANY life experiences I’ve learned that it’s just not possible. On top of being diagnosed with an eating disorder at the young age of 11, I was also diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). No, I do not jump over cracks on sidewalks or count things, instead I obsess over food, exercise, and control. I had an epiphany just recently that many of the things I’ve done and thought over the past just isn’t “normal.” I am slowly starting to accept that it’s OK not to be perfect. Now, you may be thinking, “what are these thoughts that she speaks of?” Well, they are mainly consumed on one thing: FOOD. I have obsessed over food for the past 13 plus years. Food and I, we have a love/hate relationship. It has just recently become more of a loving relationship.
Why this sudden relationship status change between food and I? Well, as emphasized in my first post, I eat to run, to nourish my body so I can perform. I’ve also just kind of got a liking to it too! I used to thrive off of the feeling of an empty stomach, the growling noises from inside used to excite me. It meant to me that I was winning, I was in control. When in fact, I was not, my disorder was in complete control OVER me. Eating less than others made me feel empowered and, I hate to say it, better than them. I thought that I had to eat less than everyone. I would judge what other people consumed and made myself promise I’d never indulge myself.
I try to reward myself for going longer distances. But, I think we’ve all seen those images that say, “Don’t reward yourself with food. You’re not a dog.”
This really upset me, as I’m sure it has upset others who are in my shoes. It’s OK to reward yourself. Especially if you’re exerting your body to run miles that others cannot. Or if you have accomplished something that means a lot to you, or just because! A strict diet doesn’t necessarily do the body good. Your body is an AMAZING creation, so treat it like so! I’m not saying to eat cookies and cake everyday, but we should treat ourselves every once in a while!
Anyways, I bought a pint of frozen yogurt last weekend, TCBY’s cookies n cream! Granted it took me a good 10-15 minutes standing in the frozen foods aisle contemplating which flavor is the “healthiest,” I still purchased it and intended to eat it that night (well not ALL of it)! However, I couldn’t get myself to do it… I had ONLY ran 10 miles that day and didn’t feel as though I “deserved” it… BUT, last night I ate some! I had to run 15 miles to “deserve” it, but I ate it! The hardest part of it was eating the chocolate cookie part… It tasted soooooooooo good, but felt so wrong. But you want to know what? I are those damn chocolate cookies, and I liked them! The GREAT thing was… I didn’t feel at all guilty afterwards! Last week I had a Banana Baby too! It’s a chocolate covered banana. That too felt dangerous, but since it was fruit it wasn’t as scary as the frozen yogurt.
So, as I said, I am slowly (but surely) coming to terms with this idea that I cannot be perfect. That is OK to eat what I want (in moderation of course). It’s not yet an easy concept to grasp for me, but I’ll get there! 🙂 P.S. I just love the image below, because it’s so true.